Five Ways Movies and Television Lied to My Husband

1. I'm not sure was Victoria told you her secret was, but I promise that lacy thongs and brassieres are not comfortable. We will never wear them just for kicks. If I had it my way, I would never wear them period.

2. I understand that in a lot of movies, when Hot Guy A picks up Smokin Chick X at a bar, they go back to his place she is always wearing sexy black lingerie under her dress. I'm not sure if this means she went to the bar expecting to get picked up or not, but don't expect that to happen. I'm probably wearing granny panties and a sports bra under my clothes.

3. Your secretary will never be that hot. And I'll never hire a nanny with blonde hair, shorts that show off her tight buns, and a cleavage problem.

4. If you use (insert name brand) shampoo, girls will like you more. Actually, if we edit this one a little, it's not a lie. If you use shampoo, girls will like you more because you won't smell like the rotting food on your nightstand. So I take this one back.

4b. I will never wake up with my hair all curled and pretty and my make-up nice and fresh. When I get out of bed I look like a Steven Tyler raccoon mix. And my breath stinks like I've been eating trash all night.

5. If the world ever ends in a zombie apocalypse (and my husband is pretty determined that it will), you will not suddenly become a Bruce Lee master of zombie killing. You will get us eaten by taking a wrong turn out of the city, trapping us in some desolate barn in the middle of nowhere where the farmer, the farmer's wife, and their thirteen children have all got the hunger for fresh meat.