Bedtime Part Dos

Sharing a bed with a significant other is nothing like it's hyped up to be.  Movies, television, and even commercials show happy couples peacefully at rest with a slight mocking smirk on their face, as if they even know they are lying to the rest of us!
Let me explain what it's like sleeping next to Nick:
I know I've mentioned this before, but THE MAN SNORES.  Not even a consistent, always the same snore.  Some nights it's whiney like air being let out of a balloon the size of my car.  Other nights its deep and sturdy like the echoes of a bear fight in a cave.  Other times it's high-def, so you can hear all the saliva and extra food particles floating around in his mouth.  Last night he decided to be creative and mix them all together.  Balloon roar saliva balloon.
Onto the next point, that he does not understand HIS side of the bed, which means he completely disregards MY side of the bed.  He comprehends BED, which he is usually taking full advantage of.  When we got married we bought a queen thinking it would be big enough.  Hear me snort at that thought now.  When we got married we also believed all those lies about cuddling at night.
Which brings me to my next point, cuddles.  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing that warms my heart more than when he embraces me in his arms and we talk the night away.  But as soon as the talking turns to the grumbles of snoring, his whole body transforms.  He becomes limp and heavy, making it harder to push him back to his side.  He sweats like he's running a marathon.  Then he smells like he's running a marathon.  My solution to this has been to keep a body pillow around.  It's long enough to spoon, and there's always the cool flip side.
Speaking of stink, we saw an actual commercial for a 'fart blanket' awhile ago.  It's actual title is the Better Marriage Blanket.  I'm not sure if it would make our marriage better, but I would complain less.  (Click here to see it for yourself.)
To make the next point you need to know that my snoring, stinking, sweating husband sleeps through anything.  You would think he was dead if not for the snoring part.  To wake him up in the morning he has an alarm that meets the same decibels as the Chicago Bulls horn.  It doesn't even start gentle or quiet.  There I lay, finally peacefully at sleep when
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
The first few times it happened I was basically hanging off the ceiling it terrified me so much.  My husband stumbles over to it (because it can't just sit on his nightstand), and hits snooze, which means that five minutes later I'm on the ceiling again.  Needless to say, I am now my husbands alarm clock.
Isn't it crazy, then, how I absolutely cannot fall asleep anymore without Nick next to me.  I've tried multiple times to sneak into bed while he's still in Michael Jordan land, and each time I crawl back out thirty minutes later to ask, "When are you coming to bed?"